Ubisoft has earned a bit of a… “Reputation” if you will for pre-order schemes and DLC packages. So when the Assassin’s Creed film looked to be a reality, attaching Michael Fassbender (X-Men First Class, 12 Years a Slave) to the historical revisionist science fiction title, the internet collectively joked about how Ubisoft would attach pre-orders to movie ticket sales.

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Well haha, joke’s on us. Through a company named Kernel, responsible for merchandising deals attached to ticket pre-sales, Ubisoft is now offering up some pricy goodies to go alongside your 8 dollar rancid exploded corn and sticky gummy floors. The “deals” start at $15 which gets you some temporary tattoos and an LED watch, because the animus must be taking us back to the 1990s. The packages go up in price to include a $60 hidden blade replica, which will likely get you banned from movie theaters everywhere, a $600 statue of Michael Fassbender to dreamily fall asleep to at night, and the aforementioned $1200 pre-sale which nets you a replica of the crossbow Fassbender no doubt uses in the film.

I’m not calling the price “insane”, but I just barely managed to scrimp and save $1200 for a new mattress and bed frame that I’m pretty sure is going to get me a lot more mileage than a useless crossbow replica. The next $1200 I make is likely going towards rent and a few sandwich meats. Of course this isn’t the first time a video game publisher really wanted you to pay a lot of money upfront for a movie. Techland recently, in what I’m hoping is a PR stunt, placed a ten million dollar “Spotlight” edition of Dyling Light up on UK retailer GAME’s website.

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Shh, no one tell anyone the big secret that you could probably fully finance and star in your own feature for 10 mill. It’ll ruin Techland’s flow.