As a budding youth exploring my adolescence and concepts that included rebelling against the machine, the vaguely related revolting against authority and rejecting the man, I took up an interest in skateboarding… Games. I didn’t have anything to support the idea I could actually skateboard, such as athleticism, owning a board, having coordination or functional motor skills but I could live vicariously through the rambunctious sneaky trolls of the Tony Hawk series of games. I absolutely ate them up, setting things on fire in New Jersey and tagging graffiti in New York all from the safety of my living room while pulling off tricks Tony Hawk himself says defy the laws of general physics and gravity.
This doesn’t have much to do with the article but I made you look.
So here I am edging closer to a midlife crisis and wondering if I should finally pick up a board when I realize I don’t have to. I could instead do the next best thing. Download them to my iPhone from the safety of my boardroom meeting. These things were a blast playing them on my brand new LCD television running these 40 – 50 dollar disc from my Playstation 2 as a young man so naturally they’ll be equally fun downloading free apps which I’m sure are no strings attached to a 326 ppi resolution touch screen. No doubt.
Skateboard Party
Skateboard Party is the first app I saw suggested to me that was also free of charge, easy sales pitch. Starring Mike V… Mike V… That name sounds familiar. But whatever, it offers multiple locations, pre-selected but customizable skaters (some customization is better than none) and a name that’s totally completely famous. I think. So I load up this app and this Mike V guy is plastered all over the place, and where I know him from is completely bugging me. Okay, I know the skateboard scene… Well, I know the skateboard video GAME scene circa 1998 – 2003, where the hell is he from?
It’s you. You Mike V. I think.
Ah! Mike Vallely! This is the guy who in THUG bragged to me and Eric Sparrow about how he used to eat top ramen out of hobo cans or some shit in New Jersey. In fact the more I think about it, wasn’t THUG based on his own damn career? Going from a New Jersey Nobody with a shitbag friend to become one of the greats? Yeah, the game was called “Tony Hawk Underground” when in fact it should have been called “Mike Vallely Underground” yet Mike V himself is nothing more than background noise. I mean fucks sake even Bam Margera starred in his own Tony Hawk game (that would be THUG2 Feat. Jackass). So now I’m sitting there pondering Mike V’s fate; the fact that this guy played second or third or maybe 14th banana in a Tony Hawk game and eventually settled for an iPhone app that doesn’t even headline his name. Unfortunately the “Mike V” part in Skateboard Party continues to keep him as an after thought, like “he’s here too and you get to play as him.”
I also can’t really customize the game as advertised on the package. I can choose one different set of wheels for Mike V and that’s it. The rest is all behind experience points and by experience points I mean paywalls. So I figure okay paywalls, pretty typical, I have to play as one skater, no big whoop. Maybe the actual game will be better.
![image[2]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image2.png)
Only I can’t figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do. The game is certainly Tony Hawkian in appearance, but the way the touch screen controls interact with my skate… Mike V makes me thing they meant to make a QWOP game and got lost along the way. It’s as if someone said “Hey Mike V want to make a quick 5 bucks?” and made this instead of a real game. Top this off with Mike V throwing out slogans to make Coca Cola proud such as “Express yourself” and “You could do better man” placed this app on the fast track to being ripped off my home screen. Now I will give this to Skateboard Party, the graphics are pretty damn beautiful for an app and the punk rock soundtrack is pretty banging and recaptures one of the A+ reasons I actually bothered with Tony Hawk. However it’s not worth the constant ads attempting to convince you to buy the full version or one more of Mike V’s “Enough talk, show me what you’ve got.”
Oh, and did you know there was a sequel? I didn’t. I certainly will not be playing it.
Tiny Skateboarders
This didn’t look so much like a skateboarding app as it did Flappy Bird with Skateboarders. Down to the exact same graphics as Flappy Bird which, if I were Dong Nguyen, I’d sue someone.
![image[3]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image3.png)
Oh yeah. This is definitely Flappy Bird with Skateboarders. Why the fuck would you do this?
PureSkate
I didn’t REALLY want to install PureSkate, but it was the only fingerboarding (make your own innuendo) game that was also free, and I’d be remiss in my duties as someone who tortures himself for a living if I did not download any app in this genre. Now I’ve always found the idea of skateboarding: Only with your fingers, remarkably stupid. Says the man from his high horse whose entirety of skate knowledge comes from Activision.
![image[5]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image5.png)
Now I’m not specifically sure why but you have to choose your character the majority of which are, surprise surprise, hidden behind unlocks. I noticed this right away because I figured as long as I had the option, I may as well play Jamal. But Jamal was locked, so I guess that wasn’t happening. Let’s go Herdez.
![image[4]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image4.png)
So I’ll level with you. I didn’t get past the tutorial. Mostly because doing the very first task PureSkate had for me – balancing on my board – I found to be as infuriating as trying to carefully shell a peanut that’s been soaked in KY Jelly with foreceps. Or find her G-Spot. Whichever is harder. Pass.
Skate It
After my prior terrible experiences with the free games I decided maybe spinning a little money behind EA’s Skate It, a whopping 99 cents, would give me some actual bang for the one buck I was willing to spend. At least I got more than Mike V this time, with names such as Rob Dydek… Who I’m too old to actually know who he is but I’m pretty sure I saw one of his five billion reality shows on MTV once and basically hated it.
So with Skate It you most certainly get what you pay for. There is -more- customization than Skate Party but you shouldn’t really so much be set on creating a skater as you are creating a horrific circus freak. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted them to tear up asphalt or have them undergo euthanasia.
What is this abomination?
However as far as board and clothing customization goes that was slightly cooler, if only because I could draw my own designs. So I did what any mature adult does when presented with this situation:
And oh hey look, a tutorial! An actual tutorial! Not Skate Party’s “we reiterate the game modes you saw on the apple store” Tutorial. In fact… Hey yeah, yeah I get it. This is kind of like a combination of traditional skateboard games and those tech deck wheelie boardie things. This is actually kind of cool, very ample use of the touch screen, yeah. Yeah I could get used to this! Like real used to…
Oh it crashed.
Well okay then.
Stickman Skater
And so our adventure comes to an end with Stickman Skater. Now I have a unique fondness for anything featuring stick figures, and that’s not being snarky, that’s the honest to goodness damn truth. I got my comic strip career start in stickfigures, and most games and animations I’ve found bold enough to feature stick figures are on average pretty damn good. So based on this, and this alone, I had high hopes for Stickman.
![image[6]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image6.png)
I wasn’t disappointed either. So what, it’s bare bones, and between each level it slams you with a full screen ad, but at least it’s playable. It takes a different approach from the over-fanciness of all the other skater titles I’ve played. In fact Jared hasn’t let me touch OlliOlli but I’m betting I’m facing something similar with Stickman. Linear 2D levels expecting me to nail tricks while making it to the end safely. There’s no music, and graphics are as simple (but functional!) as you’d expect from something called “Stickman,” and the control settings can be simplified for babies like me. However the game saw the seething mounting rage visited upon me by the other games and presented me instead with a smooth ride. And isn’t that what skating is? Enjoying the ride? Gliding across the cement like an angel? Pulling off the occasional stunt while slamming a bacon cheeseburger and accompanying bacon soda into your gob? That’s what skating is for me.
The true meaning of skating.
Stickman Skater: 5 out of 5. Best of the Worst.
