Weeks ago, while our GOTY event was going on Steam rung in the New Year with its first big sale, their “anime sale.” I’m not entirely sure what they used to determine the requirements for which games made the anime sale, but we can certainly be sure Quality wasn’t one of them. In all honesty I think the determination fell to “The people that watch these Japanese cartoons just like anything with bug eyes and colors like you’re tripping on LSD at a Rave, so just throw those on the list at a discount.” Now I’ve already had the “pleasure” of playing a few games on this esteemed list of Top Shelf Anime Games, including Long Live the Queen (which okay was pretty good) and Go! Go! Nippon ~My First Trip to Japan~ (which was pretty not okay). So I couldn’t wait to try a few of these other offerings…
Cherry Tree High Comedy Club
If you’re a veteran podcast listener you may actually recall me mentioning this game in the early days of site. Then never again. With good reason. Cherry Tree High Comedy Club sees you trying to found your own wacky, hilarious, LAUGH OUT LOUD after school comedy club. The funniest thing about this game is that they seem to expect anyone to play it.
Nekopara DEMO*
*Because I want to retain a fair amount of deniability and because he threatened to find me even worse games, our editor Lucio is the one that spotted this title and exposed me to its particular horrors.
I played the Nekopara Demo and if I were at all a clever person I would have ended it there. I wouldn’t have looked into the full version of the game, I wouldn’t have looked into -other- versions of the game, I wouldn’t have looked up reviews online or for user opinions on the title. I did all of the above and I deeply regret it, and will in all likelihood be mentally scarred for life. But before I tell you why, let’s discuss some of the finer story points of the game shall we?
In Nekopara you play Kashew Miniduck, who set out from under his sister’s catgirl infested house to strike out on his own and open a bakery in the big city. Only two of those pesky catgirls; Chocola and Vanilla tagged along for the ride. What exactly is a catgirl? Well you’re going to be sorry you asked reader! In Nekopara, a catgirl is a cat that has been genetically modified to look like a human.
Hold on it gets better.
These genetically modified cats understand human language, look human aside from the cat ears and tails, and even have human reasoning. However they’re still biologically qualified as cats and as such, all the rules of normal pet ownership applies. Better yet is these catgirls though mildly mischievous are completely obedient and completely subservient, proving that the people who made this game have no idea what either a cat or a girl are.
Now being able to own a person and do with them as you please in terms of sales and ownership sounds, oh, I don’t know, a lot like human trafficking. The justifications for being able to keep them as pets and giving them a relatively low level of education sounds eerily similar to the same justifications used in say, the triangulate slave trade. But hey, maybe I’m letting myself be disturbed by this content for no reason, it’s all in good fun right? Maybe this is just meant to be “cute” with your nekos and your nyans. I’ll try not to be too disquieted by the fact Chococa keeps asking me to take a bath with her or cuddle in bed, I’m sure I’m reading far too much, it’s all innocent. It’s not like your character fucks these catgirls…
… Oh. There’s an adult version of this game. As it turns out people can totally fuck them.
This is quite literally the part of the game where I stopped playing.
I feel like even after playing Steam’s completely censored demo I’m still no longer legally allowed near my cat. Let’s never speak of Nekopara again.
Sakura Spirit
Sakura Spirit comes to us via the same brains behind… Oh for fucks sake, Nekopara.
Well at least Sakura Spirit has one thing over Nekopara, the characters actually look of age and have things like “womanly curves” and “free will.” So I guess if you’re going to go ahead and make an adult game you may as well make it about a fiercely independent, mature fox lady…
…Only there’s no adult version of this game. It’s PG-13 at best.
Can you tell me who in the flying fuck is in the boardroom’s of Sekai Project making calls where they decide “I don’t think anyone would be attracted to a witty, shapely, 20 something woman, but a bodyless moe-blob cat girl with the mentality of a jar of mayonnaise? Now that’s Skinemax material.”
I’ll be sure to steer clear of all Sekai Project Visual Novels in the future.
Hatoful Boyfriend
So maybe catgirls and foxgirls just aren’t your thing. Maybe pigeons are what gets a rise in your groin region. No, not pigeon-girls, pigeons. Straight up pigeons. Let’s hook up with pigeons.
Because that’s Hatoful Boyfriend.
Though if you think you don’t have the patience for a game where your goal is to fuck a pigeon, I have good news for you, that’s not the ultimate goal of Hatoful Boyfriend. The ultimate goal in this game is to resolve the mystery of pigeon Hannibal Lecter and then fight God.
Japanese games are weird.
Vanguard Princess
Now the Anime Sale included quite a few fighting games that are surprisingly not terrible, sticking out like a sore thumb in the sea of awful it mostly offered. These include King of Fighters XIII and BlazBlue which both ported to the PC surprisingly well. Sadly not everything can be as good a port, or a port at all, what I’m saying is this next one didn’t even try.
The most impressive thing about Government Watchlist Princess is that it was made by one guy. I’m being honest here when I say, unlike questionably a few of the other games on the sale, he put in a lot of work into the game when he initially made it. The backgrounds are vibrant, the character animations stand up to some of today’s blockbuster 2D fighters, he has some well thought out movesets, a challenging combat system and an SNK style bullet hell final boss. That said it seems this guy decided he had to work on this game once, and only once.
See, Government Watchlist Princess was originally created as a flash game that if you had enough internet chops, you could easily sniff out and play on your machine for free. Once something goes up on Steam you typically expect a few extra goodies such as button mapping, maybe a few added stages or storylines and oh, online multiplayer and screen optimization. Not being able to participate in online multiplayer in a fighting game in the 2010s is kind of like buying a car you can only drive around in your garage. Yeah it may be neat to look at, but what’s the point otherwise? You also feel a bit like you may have gotten a raw deal because that carbon monoxide poisoning might kill you.
Now there are some nice new character portraits complete with, in true anime fan service fashion, panty shots for you to dirtily oggle in game. It just tends to not count as eye candy when the title only runs at 600 resolution and you have to squint to see everything. But hey it’s already a low price, at a steal when it’s on sale, or you’re being robbed – depends on how you look at it. Though this may bring us to the ultimate moral of the Steam Anime Sale; you can buy these games and play them, for all the friends on your network to see, then have a lot of explaining to do to your parents, teachers, coworkers, lovers and other companions followed by years of forced therapy. Or you can do what most people who just want to look at cartoon porn do: Google it in a web browser’s incognito tab. For free.
