It seems in lieu of actual creativity these days folks instead rely on the nostalgia train. They automatically equate 8 bit and 16 bit or ‘Hey, 90s Kids” and “Guess what? Kenan and Kel” with tapping into humor, creativity, fun and quirkiness. When no, you’re just making a reference, a long, extended, played out reference to the 80s and 90s which we all know, and you’re actually no more creative than the rest of us when you announce “Hey guys? Remember when?”
However expecting anything out of Happy Madison Productions to be creative is kind of like expecting the New York Jets to win the Superbowl. A premise based on massively outdated information where we had a glimmer of hope for something better in decades long dead. Yes the Jets won -a- superbowl just like Happy Madison once released a good movie. At least the source material of the same name was good. Let us remember the good times.
Now is not the time to discuss Happy Madison, that comes later. We will make Michael watch Pixels. Then, when his mind has gone to ashes, we will give him permission to die. My job was to play Dojo Quest, the hit tie in to the hit movie now downloadable on iPhone and Android. This video game is presented by Sony Pictures and created by Loot Entertainment. Why the developers would willingly put their name on this is anyone’s guess.
So before we get too far ahead of ourselves Dojo Quest isn’t so much a video game as it is a pedestal to present teenage wank fodder. It stars a buxom blonde haired, blue eyed Far Eastern ninja (what?) named ‘Lady Lisa’ played in the movie by Pretty Little Liar’s Ashley Benson. While I normally think it’s possible to over-analyze race and gender implications, I’m at this point pretty sure Adam Sandler is a gigantic racist and would have done anything to keep the Asian aesthetic without having to hire too many of those damned foreigners. I mean yes, Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani is in it, but his cameo is just there to make him snack food. Ashley also tries to convince us in an interview Lady Lisa is a great buttkicking woman who can stand as an inspiration to girl’s everywhere. I’ll remind you at this point she has no lines and only exists to give birth like the breeding sow she is.
Dojo Quest is an amazing little game. It takes place on a single screen 2D plane similar to Mario Brothers or Donkey Kong. Your goal is to advance levels by climbing up ladders, collecting power ups, killing ninjas and the occasional dragon along the way. It’s vaguely reminiscent of Ice Climbers or House of Dead Ninjas. What makes it so amazing then is how massively fucking lousy it plays.
I need you to keep in mind that a lot of the video games represented in Pixels; Pac-Man, Centipede, Alien Invaders, Donkey Kong, Tetris, all had one, maybe two central mechanics. Then why in gods name does Dojo Quest have more than that? It’s just slightly more complex than those other early 8bit era games, true, but it’s a complexity it doesn’t need. Would you add steak sauce to a hot dog? Avocado to chicken noodle soup? Maybe if you’re a weirdo, but most of us sane folks will stick to the tenants of Keep It Simple Stupid.
So Lady Lisa will run in a preset direction until you make her stop. You can double tap to make her throw shurikens and do something else, I don’t know, I don’t really care and I can win this game without all the ‘features.’ She needs to jump and navigate ladders and fight ninjas. Sometimes she gets a flaming sword. She can hit ninjas with combos too and also stomp on their heads Mario to Goomba style which is hilariously out of place for the setting they’ve established here. For some reason I’m having a lot less fun than I should be for something this mindless. I guess it proves something I always knew but never properly confirmed, like with Ubisoft games or the later entries of the Tony Hawk series, there is such a thing as having too many mechanics. Fashioning a game experience that makes me want to bash my head in with bricks and knives.
Since we are wrestling with a cellphone app every action Lady Lisa can take is influenced by the touch screen. Lady Lisa is tiny. The pixels are tiny. I have fairly skinny fingers, and the game registers those as big, sloppy thumb wipes that make Lady Lisa go off in any crazed direction. She auto-blocks until she doesn’t and takes a one hit kill. Half the battle is just getting her to jump to the next goddamn platform, the other half is reminding yourself this cellphone cost you hundreds of dollars and hurling it against a wall at high speed is likely a bad idea.
Also what’s AI? I mean, 8 bit era games certainly didn’t have any of that, correct? I don’t think Artificial Intelligence came up until the late 2000s actually. While I can deal with a bunch of tiny ninjas stupidly bouncing around like basketballs, the real boredom in this game came from the “bosses”. Well. Boss. Singular. I only ever fought one dragon -boss-, but I guess I could assume it was a different dragon each time. The dragon will zip across the screen randomly hurling shit at Lady Lisa. Only he doesn’t. The Dragon actually chooses a predetermined path each phase of the fight, so really you just need to stand there and wait to see where he goes, then you stand above him for a bit then you step on him slightly a few times. Battle won.
You do unlock outfits, thank fuck, because I was getting worried there was no depth to this game. So instead of running around with a red Lady Lisa I can instead run around with a blue Lady Lisa. I can wonder what Ashley Benson looks like in a blue dress instead of a red dress and spank it furiously to that. God. I hope there’s a Pixels: Lady Lisa spin off.
Why am I doing this to myself? I know it’s a miserable tie in to a miserable movie, I guess I’m just floored by how easily they fucked up the simplest game imaginable. I’m almost certain I could do better, and my most direct programming experience has been with RPGMaker and the Shadowrun Returns editor. At least I didn’t pay money for it. God help me if I did. God help us all.
