What possessed me to play Kim Kardashian: Hollywood you might ask? Satan probably. Welcome to the fabulous, the stupendous, that bright shining star Terrible Tuesday! Where I play the games you don’t want to because I hate myself I think. First thing’s first as you set off on your Hollywood journey, you have to create an avatar of yourself. So naturally the question begged to be ask, what is the most douchebag version of me possible? This is what I came up with:
I dub him Jay Junior Junior.
Now set off to the land of stars and plastic, Junior, go forth and take Hollywood by storm… Or the most shallow means your bank account allows… Oh, no wait not yet. What’s this?
![image[5]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image5.png)
Oh well I guess it wouldn’t be a free app if it didn’t advertise shit I don’t want, such as Shall We Date?: Ninja Assassin+, which admittedly sounds more badass than it has any right to. But let’s forget that for now, and get back to Tinsel Town!
Our first engagement in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is with Luther Alexander, our boss. He doesn’t look like he’s happy to be there and he seems to hate me even more than that, so we’re already off to a swimming start. His first order of business is to have me straighten a shirt on a mannequin, high stress job here, and doing so seems to consume energy. Okay great, I love apps that require resources to do every little thing, much like real life where I have to wait about two hours between wetting a wash cloth, then using it to wipe beneath my scrotum. Now upon completing Luther Alexander’s backbreaking task a stack of phat bills and… Something else appears to rain out of the sky. Luther certainly doesn’t notice we live in a world that rains money, or maybe he’d be far happier, but if he wasn’t talking I wasn’t asking. He left me with instructions to lock up and get on with my day.
![image[1]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image1.png)
Every so often in life you end up with a chance encounter, or in a video game, a pre-defined encounter that gives you an achievement called chance encounter. Who else do we meet outside but Kate Kardashian! I mean, Khloe Kardashian! I mean… Eh her name will come to me later, I’m sure it’s not that important. Anyway Karl Kardashian complains that her blouse is ripped and she needs a new one before some A List hallabulloo, and though you had explicit instructions to lock up the boutique and go home you decide doing the exact opposite is an equally good idea. What seems like an even better idea is starting your first day at a new job with a boss that hates you and deciding you’re going to give away one of the store’s expensive dresses for free to someone you just met. But it’s cool because this results in Kale Kardashian inviting you, a complete stranger, to be in her exclusive Beverly Hills photoshoot.
![image[3]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image3.png)
Yeah this world lacks a lot of common sense. Or maybe since it’s based on Hollywood we can call it a documentary.
Now I couldn’t help but notice each time Jay Junior Junior got a little excited or completed a goal he did this weird fist pump thing that looked oddly like jerking it. Now I appreciate Kourtney Kardashian as much as the next person but hold it in Junior… Junior. Anyway time for our photoshoot. First thing’s first, let’s put on some new digs and…
Oh. Well there’s Shall we date?: Ninja Assassin+ again. Okay cool. Just close that and… Time for our photoshoot! And I… Okay what am I doing here. Wait, hold on St. Claire, the hell do you mean “You’re doing great” when I haven’t done anything yet…
![image[4]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image4.png)
Think I’m supposed to click on these blue buttons or something or and… Oh and the photoshoot is up. Well okay then, guess I’ll have to be more on my toes for the next quest. I’ll keep that in mind as I…
There’s Shall we date? Ninja Assassin+ once more. Right. Where were we. Photoshoot, we were…
![image[6]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image6.png)
Can’t connect to the network.
Well that can’t be true because my facebook and email are fine.
Resetting the phone doesn’t seem to work. Neither does deleting and reinstalling the app.
![image[8]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image8.png)
Shall we date? Ninja Assassin+ is a visual novel by NTT Solmare where you play a nameless girl who in the spirit of Kenzie Kardashian I named Junior Junior. Taking place in what looks to be medieval Japan, Junior’s parents are killed by city magistrate Yozo Tori inspiring the young girl to take what little money she has and pray to a shrine for VENGEANCE. This results in being abducted by a group of vigilantes populated by very, very beautiful men. Check out these specimens:
Upon being kidnapped they decide you can either die or join them. You, an inexperienced girl ignorant of the world freshly shaken by the trauma of seeing her parents murdered, joining a group of vigilante assassins. So far this is still less stupid than Karlito Kardashian: Hollywood. Now lucky for me I get my choice of Adonis in this story. I chose Soji, because if I were into dudes he seems like the type I’d be into. I’m not gay or nothin’ but it’s like, God, I just want to like bury myself in his chest and just live there forever. Besides he’s cool, calm and believes in Justice. Right there on my OKCupid account it says “Must believe in Justice.”
![image[7]](http://enemyslime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/image7.png)
And we share the same turnoffs in “Evils”
The best thing about Shall we date? Ninja Assassin+ is it didn’t advertise Shall we date? Ninja Assassin+ at me every five fucking seconds. Oh, and it didn’t make up some bogus network connection error that prevented me from proceeding through the game. So if you like dating giant, girly men, you can’t go wrong with Kraft Foods Kardashian: Ninja Assassin+.
